


Wren

by Tangledupandsideways



Category: Lie to Me (TV)
Genre: Adoption, Angst, Anniversary, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-14 15:55:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 2,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9190442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tangledupandsideways/pseuds/Tangledupandsideways
Summary: He doesn't know all that had happened before Sophie. He doesn't know the true depth of her pain.





	1. Chapter 1

"What's wrong, Gillian?" Alec asks as she walks out of the ensuite bathroom, tears shining bright in her eyes. 

She turns to him in all of her agony, walking around to his side of the bed in request of his embrace. He places his hands on her hips, drawing her nearer. 

"Gill," he plies, his voice sweet and soft. 

She sighs, glancing down at her toes digging into the plush carpet. 

"I'm bleeding," she admits. "Enough to know..."

She nods her head at his inquiring look, pressing closer into his warmth. He shifts over, pulling her onto the bed with him and letting her hide her face in his t-shirt. 

"It's okay, Sweetheart. We'll try again," he tells her, his hand coming up to stroke her hair. 

She hiccups a breath before dissolving into silent tears, the only evidence of her pain the gentle heaving of her shoulders and the wet spot widening on his shirt. 

"I'm sorry," she sobs, the words nearly lost to the hoarseness of her voice and the nearness of her husband's body. 

"Not your fault, babe. It'll be okay," he promises. 

She feels a bit better to hear that, to know that her husband believes in the two of them together. But, if he were to look back now, he might come to regret those words, those implications because that was just the first time. And after this day, it wouldn't be okay for a long time.


	2. Chapter 2

This day has always been hard on her, but she used to have her husband with her to help her hold on, help her let out enough of her anguish that it wouldn't show through to Cal and the people she worked with. 

She's surprised she managed to keep it a secret so long because she'd had six anniversaries of this event go by while working with him. And she thought he would see through her immediately. She actually tried desperately to become acclimated to the idea of him knowing.

But, she no longer wears Alec's ring, can no longer stay home on this spring day and rant angrily about the fact that flowers are still sprouting while everything within her is wilting to an understanding ear. This year, she has to do it all on her own. 

She calls into work, getting Anna on the phone. 

"I won't be in today," she tells the young woman. "I'm not feeling well."

It's the truth and it's a lie and it tastes so sour in her mouth. 

"Oh, I hope you feel better soon, Dr. Foster. I'll make sure Lightman knows," she replies. 

She sets down her phone and picks up a bottle of wine instead. She twists it open with a corkscrew and pours a generous amount into her glass, not caring that it's only eight in the morning. 

She walks into her living room, sitting down heavily and sighing deeply. She leans her head back into the cushions, taking down a sip of wine. She doesn't turn on the TV or reach for any sort of entertainment. She just sits there, trying desperately to close her mind off from the flood of memories and all the emotions that come with them.


	3. Chapter 3

Gillian laughs as she looks at the white plastic in her hands. 

"It worked!" she exclaims. "We're having a baby!"

Her smile is beyond wide as she looks to him, waving two pink lines in his direction. 

"You're pregnant?"

She nods.

"Oh my God, we're going to be parents," he enthuses. 

He opens his arms to her and she steps into his embrace. He hugs her fiercely, lifting her off her feet to spin her around in a tight circle. Her laugh is enough to swell his heart with even more happiness.

"I-Thank you. Thank you, Gill. I have never been this happy."

"It takes two, Alec," she replies. "I should be thanking you. I never would've been able to do it if not for you. I didn't want to try anymore after..." 

She doesn't say the rest because she doesn't want to taint the moment with their pain, with the failures, the letdowns, with the cycles that bore no results, with everything that came before this. 

They both know cognitively that they should be more wary, that with the three times Gillian had been pregnant before, this time was just as likely to only bring them pain and disappointment. But, they are happy and hopeful and what good would it bring to add fear to the mix? 

He kisses her cheeks, her nose, both of her eyelids, before brushing over her mouth. 

"Aren't you so glad we did?"he asks. 

"Yeah," she replies. "Yeah, I am."


	4. Chapter 4

She finishes off her glass of wine, knowing she can only have one because she has to go out later. Well, she could have more, but she doesn't want to take a cab, doesn't want anyone to see what she's truly feeling. She gulps down a dry throat, fingering at the red tattoo on her left wrist. It's a reminder of all that happened in the year and a half before she met Cal. It's a reminder of what happened before and what happened after. It's a reminder she's never needed, not when the pain needles this deep.

This time, there's no one to hold her as she breaks down into tears. She brings a pillow into her arms, fisting at it's cotton shell as the entirety of her small frame surrenders to tremors. Little sounds of sorrow and hurt come off of her as she burrows deeper into the fabric hug of her living room couch. But it's not as warm as Alec's used to be. 

She lets out a slow breath and stands. There are things she has to do today. So, she goes into her kitchen to get the tradition done, despite the fact that she's not at all hungry. 

She pulls out the ingredients, laying them out on her kitchen island. She spreads peanut butter on one slice of bread and marshmallow fluff the other, laying pickles on top of the peanut butter and closing the sandwich. She pours herself a glass of carrot juice that she made fresh yesterday, looking at it all with disgust. Still, she sits on the nearest stool and takes a big bite of the sandwich, washing it down with a swig of too-healthy juice.

She smiles as the nausea rises up in her disgust. Somehow, she misses the feeling.


	5. Chapter 5

She cries in the car after she and Alec leave their 12 week appointment. The baby is healthy, she's healthy, and they're all so happy. The end of the first trimester brings an incredibly decreased rate of miscarriage and a lot of hope with it. 

"We're really going to have a baby," she says, looking out through the windshield.

"Yeah, we are."

She smiles, turning to face him. 

"You hungry?" he asks. 

"Actually, I am. I've been craving 'the sandwich' all day," she admits. 

"Oh, and carrot juice!" she adds. 

"Alright," he laughs, "We're going to need more pickles."

As they drive to the nearest grocery store, Gillian thinks. 

"Should we wait longer before we tell anyone?" she asks. "I want my mom to know."

"We'll invite her over, then. Maybe my parents could come, too. We could tell them together," he suggests. 

"Of course," she agrees easily, deliriously happy. "So what are we gonna call her? She can't be 'it' or 'the baby' forever."

"Hey! What if it's a boy?" 

She laughs again. 

"It won't be, but I'll humour you," she says. "Why don't we think of a unisex name, just to use temporarily until the baby's born. It can be a nickname or middle name or something later."

"Good idea, Gillian. I'm sure you already have something in mind. 

"I do," she nods. "But, I'm not going to tell you until I hear your suggestion so I can blow you away with how much better mine is."


	6. Chapter 6

She sniffles as she moves through her house, searching out the hard-spined volume that she needs before she could leave. It isn't in with the rest of her books because it is the most important of them all. She finally spots the red cover in one of the boxes she's rummaging in just before her doorbell rings. 

She combs her fingers through her hair, hoping it's just a delivery or a collector from a newspaper route. 

When she opens the door, she's so surprised to see Cal, holding a plastic food container in one hand and a single lily in the other. 

"Hey, I was just heading out on a case and I heard you were sick, so I brought you some soup and... " he trails off as he catches sight of her appearance, the dark circles under red-rimmed eyes, the death grip she had on the red book in her hands and her own composure. 

"What is it, love?" he softens at her. "C'mon, you know you can tell me. What's up?"

She just gapes at him, mouth opening and closing as she struggles to find words. 

"Thank you for the soup and flowers," she deflects and he hands them over wordlessly. 

"I do have to go really soon, but can I come in a moment?" he asks. 

"Of course, sorry," Gillian says, moving deeper into the house to place everything on the counter. 

"Is that a children's book?" he asks. 

"It is," she makes the agreement quickly, sadness flashing over her face as she does so. 

"Sophie's?" he asks. 

She flinches, hard, at the mention of the name. But, no, the book didn't belong to Sophie. 

"Yes," she lies, stilling her shoulder before it can flinch up in betrayal of her words. 

"You good?" He asks her.

"Just fine. Would you like some coffee or something?" 

He shakes his head. 

"I gotta get going anyway, trap this bastard up."

He leaves the kitchen to head back out, Gillian following after him. 

"You're a shitty liar, by the way," he says in final greeting, closing the door behind him as he leaves.


	7. Chapter 7

"Something's wrong," Gillian tells Alec as they sit shoulder to shoulder in bed, the red book open between them. 

He looks up at her in a mixture of surprise and concern. 

"Does something hurt?" he asks her. 

"No," she replies. "Wren's not kicking. It's her favourite book and she's not kicking. Hasn't all day now that I really think about it."

"I'm sure he's fine. Maybe sleeping?" Alec shrugs. 

Gillian doesn't look convinced, her body tensed against his. 

"No, Alec. It feels wrong. I think I should go to the hospital." She insists. 

"How about you go make yourself a cup of tea and I'll call the doctor, see what he says."

"Okay," she agrees softly, hesitating a little before scooting to the edge of the bed and using the side table (and a lot of time) to stand herself up. 

At thirty-four weeks, her walk was a lot more like a waddle and she had a lot of mobility issues. 

She makes a cup of tea she's too nervous to drink and waits for Alec to come down the stairs. 

"Okay, Gillian. We're going," he tells her, reaching for her hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze. But it does nothing to settle her nerves.


	8. Chapter 8

It's the first time she's made the drive alone and she can't control the shaking of her hands. The city passes her by as she drives, beautiful flowers and blooming life turning gloomy as the rain pelters down. She's damn lucky she's brought an umbrella. 

She parks in the quiet lot and steps out of the car, opening her umbrella over her head and grabbing the Children's book from the passenger seat and the bouqet she bought on the way. 

She sloshes through wet grass, climbing two stone stairs. A few steps deeper, she sees it and moves toward it. She kneels in the muddy earth, head hung low as she sets the flowers down, rubs shaking fingers against the spine of the book. 

"Happy birthday," she says. "I've got your favourite story right here. You used to kick and kick whenever you heard it." 

She blinks rapidly to keep the tears from falling, and she thinks she may have heard her name. 

"Alec," she answers to the presence behind her. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not Alec, love. It's Cal," he replies. 

She doesn't turn around to look at him, just hopes she's taught him enough about vocal stress that he can understand what he's just done. 

"You followed me here? You shouldn't have done that, disrespected me like that." 

"I'm sorry. You just looked so sad...I'll wait by your car."

She scoffs, shaking her head as he goes, every step making a wet squishing sound.

"Alright, Wren," she says. "It's just you and me now. It's time."


	9. Chapter 9

"One more push," the doctor says.

"I can't," Gillian pants, sweated hair matted to her skin and her face flushed with exertion. 

"You can do it, Gill," Alec says, rubbing against the back of her hand. 

She pushes hard, a scream valving off her throat. 

"I've got her," the doctor says, lifting the baby so they can see. 

Gillian screws her eyes shut. 

"Do you want to hold her?" 

"Please, just take her away," Gillian begs, tears streaming down her face. 

"I want to hold her," Alec speaks up, holding out his arms for the too-blue baby girl, the baby girl that was dead inside of Gillian for who knows how long. 

"You sure, Gillian?" he asks her, as she turns away from him on her side and keeps her eyes closed. 

"I just can't, okay?" she replies, voice hard. 

"Okay," he says, the softness of his voice a direct contrast to hers. "It's alright, Gillian."

She sighs.

"No, it's not. I'm sorry, Alec. I should've realised. I should've known." 

"It's not your fault. It's not," he insists. 

This time, Gillian doesn't believe him. 

"I want to read to her, one last time," she tells him. "Do you have Tabitha's Terrifically Tough Tooth?"

"That's her favourite. I know you know all the words by heart."

"You'll have to help me," she says. 

"I love you, Wren," she says, still refusing to look at the baby she couldn't protect, at the man she's disappointed time after time. 

And she and Alec recite the words in sync.


	10. Chapter 10

She finishes reading the story, still disturbed by Cal's appearance. 

"I love you, Wren. Happy seventh birthday," she says. 

And she stands, wiping hopelessly at the dirt on her jeans. She walks slowly towards her car, not quite ready to face the man waiting there. 

"I'm sorry," he says when she approaches. "I should've let you come to me."

She nods her agreement. 

"I didn't want you to know."

He has enough decency to look ashamed. So she offers him a tiny smile. 

"It's better you than anyone else, though," she adds.

"I'm sorry you're so sad," he offers. 

"Yeah," she says. "Me, too."

After a beat of silence, she looks up at him. 

"Do you want... I mean, would you mind if I told you about her sometime?"

"Anytime," he says.

She looks away, lost in her thoughts. 

"Thanks."

"Gill," his words are strangled by his own overwhelming sadness for the woman. 

"Hmm?" 

"Come 'ere," he tells her. 

And as she steps into his embrace, surrounded by his warmth, she can feel his love for her, his concern. She burrows her head deep into his shirt, fisting at a chunk of fabric from the back. She breathes in his smell, something spicy and alluring, and sighs deeply. 

"Thank you," she says. 

No more words are needed.


	11. Chapter 11

Her hand quivers in Alec's as she stands at the gravesite, the preacher saying something that Gillian can't focus enough to really hear. 

When they lower the tiny coffin into the ground, Gillian turns into Alec's shoulder, allowing her body to become overcome with sobs. He holds her tightly. 

It's just the two of them, they didn't want anyone else there. They didn't want anyone there who couldn't understand the loss or would grieve for them instead of their baby girl. 

"I am so sorry," she tells him. 

"You've gotta stop apologizing," he returns. 

"I can't help but feel like I should've known earlier. Then maybe..." 

"No, Gillian. You were perfect. Something felt wrong and you did something about it. It's not your fault it didn't feel wrong earlier."

"You're right," she says, though she doesn't believe what she's saying. "Thank you."

He kisses against her temple, still holding her close. 

"We'll get another chance," he tells her.

"Oh, I hope so."


	12. Chapter 12

"We got pregnant by IVF because there was something wrong with my uterine lining and I kept... Having miscarriages," she begins, Cal's hands holding both of hers in support. 

"It was good, healthy. We would read to her and talk to her and feel her kicking. Alec thought she would be a boy, so we decided on the name Wren temporarily. She would've been Renee when she was born."

She sighs, looking down at their joint hands as she musters the courage to say the rest. 

"You don't have to tell me. I'll understand," Cal insists. 

"No, I want you to know. There was this one day at 34 weeks and we were just sitting there, Alec and I, reading to Wren and something felt wrong. She wasn't kicking. So, we went in to the hospital and... And I gave birth to a baby that had been dead inside me." 

She looks at him, tears shimmering in her eyes. She can see empathy on him in the reflected sadness, in the horror on his face. 

"Did they say why?" he asks. 

She shakes her head. 

"Unexplained stillbirth," she tells him. 

"I'm sorry," he says, pulling her tighter against him. "I can't imagine."

"Good. I wouldn't want you to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is kind of an unsatisfying ending, but remember that the story's not over yet. Part 2, Wreck, will be posted soon. This series is pretty quick to write.


End file.
